Come on. I can do it. Yes I can. I know I can do it. So get my act together and DO IT RIGHT NOW!!

Yet the past week was not a good week. Throat is getting sorer, nose is getting stuffier. Finally, my voice broke on Thursday. Not able to rest at home as Lei is on leave for 2 days. I’ve just let Vik go as well. Everyone’s just trying their best and we are so tight. How could I go on leave.

Even with a hoarse voice, I still decided I can teach. I can talk softly. The children would be able to hear me. Indeed, a vulnerable me got the children to listen more intently and behaved themselves better than a usual bubbly or angry me.

Friday and Sat, lost my voice totally. i must have looked ridiculous. Talking with a barely audible voice. What’s the spiritual reason for this – “a desire to bark at the world – “Look at me! Listen to me!” . Inability to speak up? Perhaps. Put things in perspective – I am loved, I am successful, I am happy, so what is it I am unable to speak up about?! Why can’t I let go of some things in life. Why am I so stubborn..

What is this part of me that I am unhappy about.. I really don’t understand..

Is it living with my parents yet the inability to communicate with them that I’m upset with myself..

Is it living with my sister yet I’m unable to show my concern for her as sister that I’m upset about..

Is it sleeping next to my husband that I’m unable to love him as much as he loves me that I’m upset about..

Is it going to work everyday as a business owner that I’m unable to express how I wish to change a lot of things yet i dunno how that i’m upset about..

Is it the fact that I’m bogged down by a lot of things and I’m unable to handle the stress so I seek to run away from reality that I’m upset about… 

May be.. or maybe not.. whatever it is, i still have a life. Don’t waste it. Live it.

I hope to recover from my larynxgitis by tomorrow..

Yes, it’s time to return. To forgive and forget. To let go. To allow myself to be near to my parents again. They’ve aged. Yet they still feel the same. They did the best they could. Cherish what needs to be cherish. Love what needs to be loved.

Clive is cool about staying with my family. I admire and respect him for that. It is already not easy putting up with me, let alone with my family. That’s the power of love.  

My sis is the one that I worry for. She seems trapped. Like how I used to be. She falls sick often. Things are cluttered in her room. Hardly sees her at home. Need to take some action.

Napolean and turtle are fine. Have got into the routine of clearing Nap’s shit. Luckily turtle needs minimal maintenance.

My Hougang neighbourhood is lovely. I love the environment and energy of Hougang. I love the feeling of being… back home.

After 2 years of part-time studying, full-time running the business cum teaching for the past 3 months, finally, I’ve survived through it all and will be handing in my final paper tomorrow.

How many times have I thought of giving up. Either give up the Diploma course, or give up the business. It’s all too tough. 4 years into it. Since 2004. I’ve not survived what they call the “first 5 years”. My fate is not sealed yet. It never will.

So many years of motivational seminars, self-improvement programmes, perhaps what I am looking for is only 1 thing. It’s really, simply, how to be happy.

Yet I’ve come to realise it’s so, plainly, simple.

Just be.

Be it studying, be it running a business, be it in the face of challenges, be it when things go unpleasantly wrong, end of the day, I am still me. I just have to be thankful for all the experiences I go through each day.

Learn to enjoy each day as it comes, learn to soak in every minute and be fully conscious of what I am doing, rather than thinking.

I believe I am happy.

Only last Saturday finally felt released..

Yet, heaven likes to make fun of man. Cos’ Clive hurt his back real badly.

Been to 4 Chinese sinsehs, 2 hospitals. Took an x-ray. Showed nothing serious. Could be slipped disc. Fact is, he has problems getting out of bed, sitting for too long, standing for too long, can’t bend, can’t walk for too long either.

It has been a week. 

Perhaps it’s due to the concert. Perhaps it’s due to the ice-cream business. Whatever the reason, it’s no use dwelling on it. Just want him to recover…

God, please help him regain his strength again, and allow him to release his fear of lack of financial support.. according to Louis Hay..

Or, his feelings of suppression from the females in his life.. that is, his mom and me..

I am sorry for all that I did. Or did not do. I just want him to be fine again. Please..?

Sleeping almost 18 hours a day.

Freezing cold for one hour, sweating the other.

Lying in bed till it felt numb, that I had to switch to lying on the couch and watching TV half-awake.

Couldn’t and didn’t eat much. Altogether what I had for the last 2 days was 5 spoons of porridge, 3 pieces of bread, an orange, half a bowl of noodles with yong tau foo.

Didn’t drink enough water too. Reason being after drinking, I would want to vomit. Hence, just drank enough to keep myself from dehydrating.

Went to the toilet very frequently though. Wonder where did all the water came from. Maybe it’s all water retention in my body.

Not able to even walk around in the house. The furthest distance I could walk (not even upright) is about 4 metres. And that is from the bed to the couch in the living room. After which the default position is lying down again.

Did not go to work, did not go for my Diploma class, did not go for my Forex training workshop, and did not go for my Art class. Oh gosh, didn’t even know I had such a busy schedule. Is this fever thing a sign of protest by my body then?

Thank god I am recovering today. Temperature finally came down to 37+ degrees. Did not go to work still. But I am well enough to get up and walk around the house. No appetite though. But at least I passed motion, which, to me, is a healthy sign. I like the fact that I lost about 2 kg though.

 The past week has been phenomenal.. have been feeling tonnes of emotions flushing over me… something unfortunate happened at the centre which a child was hospitalised.. and until today I am still praying for the child.. I want to release whatever guilt and anger I am feeling with regards to this incident.. yet I am feeling all the pain and hurt the mother is going through… and it is simply not easy for me to function normally.. well, at the very least I am still able to go to work..

On Thursday met up with many old friends.. sec & Uni.. seemed like a long time ago that I had a good talk with some of them to catch up on how they are doing and actually care about them.. I wonder if I really do so in the past, as I thought I have been.. but actually might not. Well.. it is not easy still, to be totally selfless and focused on others and listen actively.. cos’ people are also concerned with how I am doing and I am still glad to share.. in fact I think again, I talk more than I listen? …

Today invited some staff to my house.. for the first time in the history of Curious Minds.. I actually opened up my house and allow them to peer into the private life of me and Clive.. it went pretty well though… I made salad for them and they bought lotsa food.. the atmosphere could be more relaxed I supposed, but they were having fun playing with Monopoly Disney towards the end and so to me it seemed like they enjoyed themselves.. plus Clive gave them the ice-creams he was selling and it felt kinda cute that all of us were eating ice-cream together..

It’s not easy to really be who I really am in front of people.. someone who is really vulnerable and emotional despite the fact that I run a business and appear strong and clear-headed most of the time… In the midst of all these happenings I do and always cry alot.. and in doing so it prevents my heart from closing.. I still want to let people in..

Went with hubby to Pulau Ubin for an overnight stay at Kampong Ubin.. nothing much to do except cycling, eating seafood and soaking in jacuzzi tub.. Although Ubin’s just a stone’s throw away from Singapore it feels like it’s 40 years behind. Anyway what I really like is the relaxing feel of the place… and some of the photos that I took… especially love the cloudy sky. Not sure why I didn’t get the same feeling back on Singapore main land. Perhaps I never take the time to even look up into the sky…

Turns out that I’m Hi-I alright. Well, at least that’s how I perceived myself and also the fact that I allow myself to be comfortable being an hi-I in my work environment definitely. Under pressure my core private self is still hi-S.. phew. I knew it!

Well… good news is, my D is increased, in fact my external now has become IDSC! and self-perceived is ISDC..

 So, according to “pattern description”, I belong to “I-S” behavior style and the name given to this pattern is “Advisor”! Hmm.. famours “Advisors in history are Aesop, Anne Sullivan, Elton John and Oprah Winfrey! Oh my god.. that’s awesome!! I wanna be like them too! mmm… just tell myself “you’re next, Joanne..”